Five rules for lasting through the approaching calamity of Thanksgiving

Just remember: D.U.C.K.
and cover

Chelsea Van Baalen
The Advocate

It’s here. Commercials promoting mass purchases and layaways are constantly on the television (score one for irony), turkeys everywhere are on clearance, bosses are crunching the numbers for bonuses and pretty soon 103.3 will be playing “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” on a loop.

That’s right, the holidays have arrived.

However, like all nuclear fallout scenarios, I mean seasons, there are ways to make it out alive without re-enacting a scene from a “Rambo” film. While some call it stress management, I call it a duck and cover strategy, literally D.U.C.K. and cover. So when your grandparents start questioning your choice in a significant other, the turkey gets burned and your mother is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, you can still make it back to school AND study for your finals. Here’s how:

Don’t throw the mash potatoes. Once again, common logic. But it’s still easy to forget when your estranged aunt walks into the living room after disappearing for 15 years and appearing on the 10 o’ clock news during a cult-bust. It’s even easier to forget when your not-so-favorite relative (insert name here) chimes in on just why (insert favorite politician here) will cause the apocalypse. So while they are there and very throwable, don’t throw the mash potatoes. Instead, take a deep breath, look at your plate and envision a happy place; visualize yourself at the beach, scaling a really tall mountain, playing FarmVille on Facebook, whatever makes you happier than listening to your grandma and mother ruin their relationship over the best way to pass around the turkey plate.

Utilize your car and make the trip: While others might dread the words Fred Meyer, Safeway and Albertsons on these days, it can be a blessing in disguise for others. Sure, some of the aisles might be crammed with crying children, stressed out mothers and general, non-descript members of families, they’re not your family. Because taking the plunge and offering to make that last minute run for a can of cranberry sauce that isn’t dented with the wrapper partially peeled off not only makes you look helpful and gives your grandparents hope for your generation but it also gives you a breath of stress-free fresh air.

Cross sex, drugs, politics and religion off your vocabulary list. This is a given. By now you should know that the second you put the ‘bama after O, someone’s going to get hurt. And a holiday feast teeming with family members is not the best time to talk about the legalization of marijuana because “it would just make the quality of weed so much better,” unless you want to make your mother cry or worse, make you take the weird, smelly, reddish casserole. And you’ll get a two-for-one deal, bringing both the casserole and a Bible home with you if you mention sex. And debating whether or not to pray before eating with your possibly Mormon uncle will not win you any fans or make your mother not send that casserole home with you. So unless you’re in for a night of bickering, crying, yelling or utter silence, be wary of what you consider dinner conversation.

Keep out of the kitchen. You, like everyone else, know the saying. However, like everyone else, you most likely completely blank on it during the holiday season. It’s common sense really — the more people you have in the kitchen, the more variations of your great-great-great-great grandmother’s stuffing recipe you will find. The more recipes you have, the more hair-pulling (you pulling your own hair, not your cousins) you will have and the weirder the taste. My advice is stay out of it. I’m no sports expert but I’ll bet there’s a football game on or something you can do. Update your Facebook, take a walk, write a memoir, feed your sea monkeys. All of these things can be done while carefully avoiding the lion’s den . . . I mean kitchen.

Cover your leftovers. If you don’t already know, leftovers are one of the most beautiful, joyous things about Thanksgiving. It’s like you’re not only basking in the afterglow of surviving the holidays, but you’re eating it, too. And there’s nothing that will kill that faster than fossilized turkey that’s been left uncovered all night. And the casserole you hated the day before will smell even worse after percolating in its own juices. So do yourself a favor and bust out the saran wrap (or aluminum foil) and store away the leftovers.

So while the holidays bring us together, they also bring families together for better or worse. And though these are the people that drive you insane the second the china is brought out, they will also be the ones letting you sleep on the sofa after tasting the cooking wine one too many times. So remember Duck and Cover. After all, consider Thanksgiving as preparation for your finest hour: Christmas. After all, there are gifts involved with that one.

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