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Editorial  |
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I would have, but....
The sun is out, and summer is a-comin’.
It’s time to kick back, relax, and live in the now — good times are on the way. But with buzz-kills like work and school, how are you supposed to enjoy yourself properly?
Get your work done ahead of time? Show up early?
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Maybe. But in life you’re only guaranteed the moment you’re in. The past is just memories and the future simply imagination. So instead of tripping yourself out with worries, just relax. Why risk it and waste your time in preparation for something that’s already here?
It’s game time, baby, so suit up and relax.
Well, a lot of you out there, stoners excluded, may say this is easier said than done.
And I say, exactly. It is in that very statement that the answer can be found: “Easier said than done.”
Why trudge through the boonies of perseverance, when you can talk your way out of it? Work really is easier said than done.
But as easy as talking your way out of something can be, there is a subtle art to excuses, an art that is on its way to being a law.
First and foremost, it needs to be made clear that excuses are a delicate subject. They aren’t for the faint of heart. You can’t just go guns blazing into a situation and shovel the bullshit at full speed. You need a little preparation and that’s why I’ve decided to divulge the only rubric you will ever need when it comes to verbal avoidance.
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All excuses must follow the Easy 8, and no, not the cheerleaders you knew in high school. They must be believable, simple, physically possible, obscure, have a balance of being vague AND descriptive (this is where creativity comes in), an isolated incident, within at least five miles of your home, and non-traumatizing.
So here are the Easy 8:
1.Believable
This is the most important. When telling an excuse, avoid inconsistencies and missing facts. Just make sure it meshes. Whatever it is — why you’re late for work, didn’t show up, didn’t do your work, etc. — it has to have been something that can happen in day-to-day life. You can’t say, “Oh man, I had lung cancer for a day.” That just doesn’t work. Also, make sure it can actually happen to you, for example, if you don’t drive, don’t say you had car trouble.
2. Simple
Less is more. Don’t get crazy. Keep the drama on Facebook.
3. Physically possible
If the laws of physics and nature don’t click with the flash flood in your earthquake-prone apartment, don’t even think about it. This isn’t the twilight zone. Not everyone drops acid.
4. Obscure
The more obscure the better, but to a point. If you “pinched a nerve in your back,” that’s good, but if you have a “bone spur that pinched your ulnar nerve while you were volunteering,” even better. But as point of clarification, using medical excuses is asking for karmic retribution. Be careful what you wish for with your excuse, because it might just be true before you know it.
5. Simultaneously vague and descriptive
If you tell too much, it will sound fishy, and if you don’t tell enough your actions are sketchy. The best solution is to be descriptive about a vague situation. Vague first, informative later. Tell them something happened and explain how you felt and how it impacted your inability to do something. Works every time. Remember, don’t ask, don’t tell.
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6. Isolated incident
You can’t have cramps all month, ladies, and guys, you can’t always be sore from your manly workout. If you keep it isolated, then you can play it off as an accident. Use your heads.
7. Within at least five miles of your home
If it’s happening around your home base, it’s more likely to “actually” have happened. If you get in trouble with your lawn mower in your yard, or as you’re leaving your driveway, or neighborhood for that matter, it is more believable than if you get mugged in Vegas.
8. Non-traumatizing
It has to be something with a quick recovery time. You can’t get in a car accident, or break your leg falling and be fine the next day. Unless acting is your trade, stay away from this.
*In additon, all excuses must be at least below a 3 on the Dvorak BS Meter (see Figure A), because whether they know it or not, this is how everyone judges what you say.
These tricks can and will save you time and stress, so use them well.
Some may argue that too many excuses can cause others to see you as unreliable and a flake, but at a certain point ingenuity is recognized and your human value actually raises (see Figure B). I mean, who doesn’t value creativity and dedication?
But beware: everything in life depends on balance. Too many excuses and you can fall into several traps. If you use them too much, you could fall into a vicious cycle where it becomes habit and you become a victim, if only in your head. Also, you can trick yourself into thinking, “Oh poor me, something is always happening,” and this is when you become a pathological liar. And I mean seriously, if you’re going to be a social defect, at least start stealing things.
However, if the Easy 8 and other rules are used correctly, you can say goodbye to acute excuse-related anxiety, and say hello to . . . anything else, because you’ll have the time.