This is not okay – standing with survivors

Predatory behavior is NOT okay!!

In the spirit of the mushrooming Hollywood sex scandals and the various accompanying campaigns, this article is definitely apropos.

To break this down is quite complicated in a literal sense, given the emotional ties and fears. Let us break this down even further… in a more relatable sense. How many of us were, perhaps, a victim of, or know/have known of someone being a victim of sexual harassment/sexual assault/domestic violence? Maybe you were groped, molested, abused or beaten. Predatory behavior is predicated on fear of physical violence that would accompany noncompliance. On top of that, fear of physical violence often brings shame (which brings a crippling silence) and severe isolation from the victim’s lifeline (family, friends or cherished activities).

Yes, it is shameful, deplorable and those guilty of these atrocities in the entertainment community such as the Weinsteins, Afflecks and DeNiros need to be outed, shamed and punished. But how many of us in our everyday lives knew about someone going through the same hellish circumstances, but looked the other way?

Whether it was child molestation, rape, abuse, whatever – this is inexcusable. In our modern society, respect for others, especially the weaker ones (whether they be women, children, the elderly) should be paramount. Sadly, equality isn’t extended to those who cannot help or defend themselves. True equality should be afforded to all, regardless of age, sex, sexual orientation, religion.

A big part of egalitarianism is calling out the offenders, the abusers, the predators among us – the devils we know and the devils and monsters we don’t know.

For example, take a good look at entertainment itself, with its glorification of violence (particularly against minorities, women, LGBTQs and children). In particular, take a good look at music. Music can, has and often been a rallying cry, a call to action and a proper route for the disaffected youth to vent their frustrations against the dominant culture. A good amount of the music outside of the Top 40 hits are laden with misogynistic alliterations, hate, debasement of others and murder. The glorification of violence is wrong. The glorification of rape is wrong. Any form of abuse, whether real or lyrical, is wrong. A person’s body is their own property. People are not toys or devices that others can use up and discard like they are some random piece of garbage.

Below are some factoids on domestic violence in partnered couples, both in straight relationships and domestic violence within the LGBTQ community.

In heterosexual relationships, domestic violence is still 60 percent male-on-female, 40 percent female-on-male. A 2010 joint study by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the Department of Justice finds that more men are becoming victims of domestic violence, with 40 percent of “extreme violence” victims being male. (www.saveservices.org/2012/02/cdc-study-more-men)

The following stats are for the LGBTQ community (in correlation to the above factoid): 40 percent of couples in same-sex relationships have experienced, or do experience, domestic violence. The pattern of domestic violence is predictable: the disagreement, the build-up, the violent acts. Then there is a “healing phase.” Then, the cycle starts again. The abused will often adopt a Stockholm Syndrome-type response to a degree, oftentimes being stripped of friends, family, their very identity, to appease/please the abuser.

Among the LGBTQ couples that experience domestic violence, all too often there will be threats of “being outed” – to friends, family, employers. This breeds extreme silence, isolation and fear. This is because, even in 2017-18, those who are LGBTQ are still often closeted from friends and family. They have fewer socioeconomic protections and reduced access to the justice system as a whole. LGBTQ victims, as a result, are more reluctant to call out the abuse and will be less likely to seek help, out of fear of being judged for their lifestyle by the LGBTQ community and society at large. There is still the stigma and the assertion that LGBTQ relationships are doomed from the start since they are thought inherently wrong and dysfunctional by some.

With these given facts, what is the answer for this? What can be done about this scourge of violence?

In my opinion, it all starts with speaking out and calling out abusers – no matter who they may be. In the aforementioned example of power players in entertainment, the fear of losing a career has kept a near iron-grip of fear that has silenced the abused. Despite the newest (and numerous) allegations, those who have suffered need to continue to speak up.

At the end of the day, we are all people under a bright yellow sun. Abuse in any shape or form is not justifiable, and it needs to stop. Do not allow any abuser you may know to get away with any form of abuse. Then and only then we will start to see change and healing in people’s lives. #metoo #metoomen #itsmylife #fightthesilence

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