Do yourself a favor: get weird to avoid stress

Adam Elwell

If there’s one thing that managing a campus newspaper has taught me, it’s that effective stress management does not have to abide by convention, and most of the time, it shouldn’t, since breaking from convention is soothing in itself most of the time.

So here’s a list of my favorite just-don’t-wreck-anything-near-you-right-now techniques, in no apparent order.

For like a DEFCON 5-level stress session, I would recommend some angry filing; the more menial, the better. Alphabetizing is the best. Slam papers if you want; it’s not gonna work. Watch out for paper cuts, though, as they could leave you more stressed than when you started.

I read this one in a book on Yoga briefly, my friend tells me I’m doing it wrong, but he owns books on yoga, so I’ve been doing it like this anyway: Putting the pad of your thumb under your right nostril, inhale with your left nostril until your lungs are full. Then switch your thumb to your left nostril, and exhale with your right, until your lungs are empty. Then inhale again with your right and exhale with your left, using the same method.

Push-ups are fun. Hear me out, though: This one is sort of a last ditch attempt, if all other methods fail. Plus, they can have the added bonus of using swear words to punctuate each push-up, and you’re definitely going to be too tired to care about what was bugging you before, if you do it right.

If you have a little time, alternate the most metal and least metal music you enjoy, slowly adding more mellow music until that is all you’re listening to.

Personally I enjoy Behemoth or iwrestledabearonce for the brutal end of the spectrum, and Tycho or Bob Marley for the other. Another option is just really, really bad music, like the stuff you enjoyed in seventh grade. It’s tough to be self-deprecating and pissed-off at once.

If you have to get stuff done right now, B-vitamins and green-coffee bean extract give you more energy for longer and less crash than if you chug an energy drink.

Stress balls are fun, too. But what is even more fun is drawing your coworkers’ faces on them, and if you have two you can use them to cushion your knuckles while doing push-ups.

This next method I’m about to tell you is for trained screw-ups only: attempt it at your own risk.

With a lit cigarette grasped loosely in your mouth so that some oxygen can get in through the corners of your mouth, stand with your legs shoulder-length apart and inhale through your mouth while raising your arms straight out from your sides overhead until your lungs are full, then exhale while putting your arms down, and, Ta-da! You’re as calm as a Hindu cow.

Just beware, you’re going to have to fight the urge to re-evaluate your life ten minutes later.

Those are just a few of my favorites, and I made it through this column using only three of them, so I guess they’re not totally broken.

Advocate Staff