Mustache or No Stache? : A mustache is something special for men to cherish and protect

Mustaches are a privilege, a gift from the universe, a birthright and not for everyone. I can say with confidence that I am one of the truly blessed individuals on this planet who has an invisible mustache.

Allow me to explain: When a man’s mustache is more noticeable if it goes missing than it is when present, it should be considered “invisible.”

And so, as a member of the elite Invisible Mustache Warriors I implore you to not seek out a mustache for a lark. It is something special for a handful of men to cherish and protect. Please don’t take it away from us because you think it might get a few laughs.

Burt Reynolds, Ron Burgundy, Tom Selleck, Freddy Mercury, Nietzsche, Sam Elliot, Carl Weathers, Ned Flanders, Hulk Hogan, Albert Einstein and Ron Swanson are all examples of men who are part of the elite force of Invisible Mustache Warriors (IMW). If you have any doubts as to whether any of them, or yourself, is part of the IMW, just try and picture any of these men/yourself without said mustache. If part of their (your) being is missing, then that mustache is legit.

My gripe with mustaches today is that (even if it already seems to be fading) there is this fad of ironic mustaches. I am not a fan; I’m more than a fan. Yes, I am a Warrior. I’m the guy with his shirt off at a Pittsburgh Steeler football game in the heart of winter, in full body paint.

These ironic mustaches threaten the next generation of IMW from even stepping forward. Right now, at this very moment, there is an adolescent boy second-guessing his decision to grow out what very well could be the next generation’s Selleck’s mustache.

Is this what we want? A world without Selleck’s mustache?

I felt obligated to write this because I have been fighting the good fight for the IMW of the world for a whole year now. I will be receiving my one-year sterling comb May 14 on the shores of the Columbia River at the coordinates 34N, 234W if you are interested. Please sign up for the potluck and bring plates (we always run out).

I realized the true transparency of my mustache in a moment of weakness last year. Truly, I had hit rock bottom. When I shaved my mustache, the week that followed was the longest of my life. My wife took it the hardest. She said she couldn’t look at me, she said I was a stranger in our house.

In my house — our house — I was unwelcome in my own home! Others noticed that there was something wrong and didn’t hesitate to ask, “Hey, Freakshow! What’s wrong with your face?” or “Why did you do it, man?” as if I had sunk my grandpa’s fishing boat or something.

I never want to feel that way again. I beg you to take mustaches more seriously. Don’t grow them lightly – not for my sake, but for that of future generations of Invisible Mustache Warriors.

Advocate Staff