Weakly Horoscopes*

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – OK, I’m gonna be real with you, this is like the sixth week I’ve written Taurus and there are only so many car puns to be made. I told a “flat-tire” joke two weeks ago; you should have seen this coming. Congratulations, you’re no longer a car. 

Gemini – (May 21 – June 20 ) – What up, other Geminis? You know you’re freaking sweet, you don’t need me to tell you that. Stay rad. Next sign.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – So, I definitely wrote your horoscope this week, but I think I put it under the wrong sign. It’s probably Scorpio … or Virgo. Oh, well, you can’t win them all. Not sure what happened to the third one, though.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – So as far as astrology is concerned, when Venus is in this position it kinda works like a wild card in Uno. Just pick any sign you like. Keep in mind, though, it does affect next week’s prediction.

Virgo (August 23 – Sept. 22) – It might be best to just curl up in the fetal position. You can rock back and forth for a bit if you want, but eventually even that is gonna be tiring. You might as well skip straight to vacant staring.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) – You might be extra intelligent this week. Or maybe, everyone is just being nice to you? Just ask yourself if what you’re doing seems intelligent. Reading a horoscope: really?

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) – Listen, you know you’re a rational person, plus Venus is aligned for opportunity. It might sound crazy right now, but a second mortgage/Vegas trip would turn out well for you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Some people in your workspace might want to criticize you for taping uncooked hot dogs on the walls near vents. But we both know it’s high art. Sorry, not everyone is a legend in their own time.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)- Creating your own brand is one of the best things you can do to market yourself professionally. Just make sure when you do it you don’t flinch- yeah, it’s going to be extremely painful- but if you flinch the brand could move and you won’t get a clear imprint, and then you have to do it again until it’s right. The more visible it is, the better for business.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Who doesn’t love surprises, right? I’ll let you figure this one out. I mean, if I always do it for you, how are you supposed to learn?

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) – So many signs in the zodiac: there’s a lion, a scorpion, a bull. But you drew a fish, huh? If that’s any indicator, I would assume your week would be super important, you know, just massively vital to humanity.

Ares (March 21 – April 19) – Listen to a pan flute. And snap your fingers at every 90 degree angle while turning in a circle. That’s how these things usually go, right? Nailed it.

* Just for fun and not to be taken seriously, seriously.

Advocate Staff