Weakly Horrorscopes*

Gemini- It might not seem like the best strategy to you right now, but in your case your best option is to definitely go for guilt. Let yourself go so people can’t avoid it by simply not talking to you.

Cancer- Mars’ alignment indicates that the roof of your car, in the MHCC parking lot is the best possible place you could meditate right now. Like, third-eye level transcendance bruh.

Leo- An unexpected visitor will show up at your door soon, well, they were unexpected, just act surprised; it’s super important that you play it off cool, lest they accuse you of witchcraft.

Virgo- We misspelled Aries last week. Does this even seem like a worthwhile source?

Libra- Forget conventional study methods. Mercury is so close to earth right now that you should never pick the obvious option; instead use your textbooks as a pillow and create an osmotic relationship with the material.

Scorpio- Don’t look now, but it’s over your left shoulder. Or do. It could be friendly, I would say the odds are like 60/40.

Sagittarius- What if I told you, that this week you would develop telepathic powers exclusively with Kanye West, would you believe me? It’s ok, just accept Yeezus on your own time.

Capricorn- The answer to life, the universe, and everything is right in front of you: don’t think, just yell out a word.

Aquarius- This week most of your friends would consider you something like Rain Man, but as if Tom Cruise had played him instead of Dustin Hoffman. Do with that what you will.

Pisces-  Prepare to take this week one mild existential crisis at a time. Or, pick up bowling, I hear thats a good time.

Aries- The best thing you could do for yourself this week to really experience the exhilaration that comes with sprinting in crowded, public places.

Taurus- The return of Zaltac and subsequent ascension were supposed to happen like a week ago, so it’s probably twice as likely this week.

* Just for fun and not to be taken seriously, seriously.

Advocate Staff