‘Fifty Shades’ gives awkward performance issues

It is better than “Twilight,” but still definitely not worth seeing.

In case you were wondering about “Fifty Shades of Grey,” don’t watch it for the acting. If you’re the person who read “Twilight” and loved it, and then heard about some hybrid erotica/fan fiction and were thrilled about this movie, then, congratulations: This is everything you’ve ever hoped for.

But for those of you looking for a dark, “Eyes Wide Shut”-type of sexual thriller, then don’t bother at all.

The first half of the movie is strangely tolerable, and at times downright funny. Anastasia Steele is a relatively sheltered English major who lives with her college roommate, who happens to be a journalism major.

Her roommate is supposed to interview the speaker at their graduation ceremony, eccentric billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), but gets sick. After laying on the couch for a few minutes and determining that there is no one more fit to handle interviewing a billionaire (like any other journalism major ever), she passes the task off to Ana after giving her a list of semi-facetious questions for the interview.

At this point, the movie is actually pretty enjoyable. There’s a brand of off-color humor that’s relatively fresh, but as soon as we bump into Mr. Grey, whatever intangibles the film has going for it are lost. Dornan’s performance is wooden at best, and at its worst, he comes off as some sort of sociopathic Justin Bieber ten years down the line. You’re left with the feeling that when Dornan isn’t staring stoically into a camera and smirking in intervals, he does it into a mirror.

I get that their relationship is about control, but, bro, we have social norms for a reason. Showing up at someone’s work right after meeting them just to buy bondage gear? Probably a quick trip to the county jail.

What’s worse is, the only perceivable excuse as to how he gets away with this abusive behavior is simply because he’s rich. Dornan’s Grey seems like a caveman, but instead of throwing freshly killed meat at his potential love interest, he just buys her MacBooks and cars. At least the caveman’s gift had a personal touch.

But let’s talk about what you’re all here for: the sex!

It’s creepy.

Not kinky, edgy, intense, or any other positive connotation you could think of, it’s just creepy. The first sex scene comes after Ana tells Christian she’s a virgin – so of course he plows her while holding her hands above her head. If it weren’t for the soundtrack I would have expected John Candy to burst through the door wielding a hatchet at any moment.

But the infamous “red room of pain” had to live up to expectations, right? For a billionaire who devotes his personal life to this pursuit, you think he would use a little more imagination. Nope, there’s basically only whips, belts and canes in the room, but it’s cool because he has about a hundred of each, right? What he lacked in imagination, he made up for in organizational skills, as all the identical bludgeoning devices are neatly displayed on shelves.

In fact, anything extremely kinky was discussed only in jest, and it seemed as if the producers were pulling their punches – pun intended.

Seriously, if you’re going to make a movie about sex, why censor it? It’s like getting an orange and just eating the peel.

There was a brief ten minutes at the beginning of the movie where I thought to myself “What? …This can’t be… good?… Can it?”

That question was answered almost immediately, however.

It’s not. Unless you’re a big fan of melodramatic eye contact, in which case this is your new favorite film. “Fifty Shades” opens today.