Golden Dragon might have caused pink eye

I’ve done some really embarrassing things in my life. Most recent was when I woke up Monday, the morning of the 5th. I could barely open my right eye. It kind of hurt, wouldn’t open, was tearing up. I called to my dad, asked him if it looked okay and he was like, “Yeah, it looks fine.” I got up out of my bed and looked at it in the mirror.

It was red, or ‘pink’ as some might say. I got flashbacks to middle school of some dumb 13-year-old, pimpled-face boy telling his friend he was going to fart on his pillow and give him pink eye. That’s right, pink eye, also known as conjunctivitis.

I didn’t tell my parents how I got pink eye, but I’m telling you.

For the first time in my life, and probably the last, I went to a strip club. A big Samoan guy checked my purse and frisked my friends, and after swapping $10 for a green bracelet, I found

myself inside the Golden Dragon in downtown Portland.

The first thing that happened was: I became very body conscious. As a straight female walking into a strip club, I can tell you it’s not weird having a dozen half naked women around you – but it does make you feel a little out of shape. Being inside the Golden Dragon made me want to do squats and planks.

Some of the women were beautiful, while others were just freaky. One stripper pounced on us as soon as we entered, trying to get us a private room with her. She tried everything, even pulling a leopard dildo out of her purse. We watched this particular stripper try to pull at least five people into the private rooms.

In the center of the room, you could spot what I would call the stage. The stage was maybe 6 feet by 12 feet wide, with two poles in the middle and a 1-foot bench like structure around it. Around this centerpiece were four benches. Any customer who sits on these benches is probably one who wants to lose all the savings in their wallet.

Every two songs, a new dancer came to the stage to make some tips. Some dancers caused people to move away from the center of the room, while others enticed new people to come and sit down. My Lord, could some of these ladies dance. If I was a quarter that coordinated, I’d be in luck.

The most memorable performance was the one that put me on my back, with an exotic dancer crawling over me. Though this was my favorite dancer for pushing my boundaries, it could’ve also have been the one to turn my eye pink.

A few other highlights of my night was: My friend getting a series of private dances due to the fact that it was his birthday; the pool table that hosted my group for an hour; and lastly, the dancer with fake boobs, because who wouldn’t want a pair?

I’d like to think I’m a relatively normal person and a bit of a pencil pusher, but I didn’t mind the Golden Dragon. If I hadn’t of woken up with pink eye, which could’ve been caused by my cat’s butt in my face, I would’ve liked the strip club better. Otherwise, I give the Golden Dragon a 2.4/5. Better luck next time.

As for my parents, they’ll never have to know.