Horror scopes, Oct. 2

Libra – “Take a ride on Reading Railroad! If you pass Go, collect $200.” – Sun Tzu, The Art of War. I should make a random word generator so a machine just spits out horoscopes for me.

Scorpio – One “n” would have made you look so much cooler. How does it feel to be defined by a typo? Yeah, your week is going to feel exactly like that feeling.

Sagittarius – We know you’ve had an abnormally large itch to go kayaking lately — also, for Chinese food. Satisfy those itches and go kayaking while eating Chinese food. Go in the early morning to get the full experience.

Capricorn – Your love life is looking up. You’re going to get free money, that person you know has this thing. blahblahblah, etc. etc., Bam. Astrology.

Aquarius – KC and the Sunshine Band is the key to success. The Key. To success. Think about it.

Pisces – Big news this week, your left foot goes up half of a shoe size. I know, you were a 10 1/2 for like, ten years – or some other number. It caught me by surprise, too.

Aries – You know you look good. You don’t need any mirrors, do you? I’m pretty sure now is the time most mirror dealerships are looking to buy — if mirror dealerships are a thing. We already brought you your reading, just Google it yourself.

Taurus – Listen to the album “Dive,” by Tycho. It wasn’t in your sign specifically, but it’s probably going to make things better and I never got an exact job description, so you’re going to have to live with it.

Gemini – Pluto moves into its second phase, meaning: You need to focus this week more than ever on creating your magnum opus. You will have to discover it for yourself, but here is a hint: dried bubblegum.

Cancer – Hear butter. Watch cacti. Always remember: Don’t drop red pens… Are you really still here? Gee, most people would have stopped reading already. Do you have a thing for cacti and butter, or are you just bored? You creep me out.

Leo – You know that second cousin you have that always kind of reminded you of a less athletic Will Ferrell? I would be friendlier with him, he’s about to carve his magnum opus and future niche in the avant-garde art world through dried bubblegum.

Virgo – Was the “Attack of the Clones” really that bad of a movie? I wouldn’t be shocked if you watched it three times in a row this week.