Horror Scopes, Feb. 12

Aquarius – Aquarians are the worst. Seriously, save yourself the time – Don’t get them anything. Maybe dog poop; the humor might be lost on them, though, since they’re so terrible.

Pisces –  Pisces are all about that vape lyfe. Get them some juice, 18 milligrams of nicotine, they know what they’re doing. You probably already know because they’ve told you about it.

Aries – Aptly named after the Greek god of war, your Aries valentine would do a cartwheel if they got a crossbow. Bonus points – get them stuffed animals for target practice.

Taurus – The Taurus in your life could stand to grow a pair; get them that trailer hitch that has blue balls on it. They will be eternally grateful.

Gemini – Geminis love live music, so serenade them with a piccolo. They love surprises, too, so get as close as possible without them knowing before you start playing.

Cancer – Every Cancer could stand to use some stogies. Menthols or regular is your question now.

Leo – Leos are too proud to ask for help. Surprise-clean their house for them, but leave all the trash in their bed so they don’t feel guilty later.

Virgo – Virgos are a dichotomous bunch. Your options are power tools or flowers, but, for full credit, get some power tools and cut some flowers from their lawn for them.

Libra – Zoo passes. All of them. At least five years’ worth, and a commemorative T-shirt.

Scorpio – The Scorpio in your life appreciates fine, unconventional dining. If ever there were an occasion to call for a taco pizza, this is it.

Sagittarius – Everyone loves chocolate, and Sagittarians love drugs. Make your own truffles, and take the liberty of adding your own special ingredients.

Capricorn – Korn albums. I’ve said it like three times now – if you haven’t stockpiled nu metal albums by now, you’ve failed.