Horror Scopes Jan. 27, 2017

Gemini – Forget what your therapist says. If whispering Paul Simon lyrics in the ear of the stranger in front of you on the bus isn’t right, then maybe I don’t want to be right. Also, maybe get a new therapist.

Taurus – Car and Driver magazine says changing the oil and checking tire pressure are the No. 1 things you can do to increase your car’s lifespan. Hey, if you want a real horoscope, why don’t you get a real sign? Howbowdah?

Scorpio – The universe sends mixed signals often, so this week try not to take things too literally. Unless someone says, “Bite me.” Then bite them. Believe me, they’re going to thank you for the fresh perspective.

Aries – Existence is pain, so drop out and get high as soon as you can and as much as you can. There’s no joke. Do it right now.

Virgo – Listen to me very carefully because this has been the point of every horrorscope put in the Advocate for the last three years: Stop reading horoscopes. They’re stupid, and you shouldn’t be reading them. Still not a joke. Have a week.

Sagittarius – Well, I guess whatever I tell you would feel kind of empty after Virgo’s prediction. So I’ll leave you with this: Hitmonchan and Hitmonlee from Pokemon are named after Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee. Don’t say you didn’t learn anything today. You’re welcome.

Aquarius – If you read any of the previous ones and are still here, you’re clearly a glutton for punishment. A fried mayonnaise-ball eating, self-esteem-having, smooth-breathing wad of biological mechanisms functioning in society. Also, you’re really not that bad, stop acting like a skid. I bet if your childhood pet were reanimated just to see you, he would still run away.

Cancer – If you could tell an Aquarius that… I’m sorry, I would really appreciate that. They might need a hug, too. When you do, I need you to tell them for me, very gently: “I’m sorry about your childhood pet; have a mayonnaise ball.”

Leo – By now you might be thinking to yourself, “I can feel my breathing getting more steady by the second.” Good. Read all the horoscopes you want so the rest of us can let natural selection do the work. Don’t hurt yourself trying to remember what natural selection means – they have a place for people who can’t figure that out, and they hang out every Sunday.

Capricorn – Oh, but I’m sure your week is going to be just peachy. You beautiful, unique, naive ray of sunshine, happiness, and kittens, you.

Pisces – Look, if you want to reach transcendence you need to get serious about steady breathing. This week you need to stop pooping. After a few

thousand years your butt hole will naturally close up and you will obtain enlightenment.

Libra – I quit. You don’t get one.