Horror Scopes, Jan. 8

Capricorn – The crystal-horrorscope-ball or whatever is kind of fuzzy on this one, but from what we can glean, your term is roughly summed up by the terms: blitzkrieg, terrordome, bear-wrestling.

Aquarius – Life pro tip: if you man up and eat an entire ornamental cactus right now, the rest of your term will feel like an absolute breeze in comparison.

Pisces – Don’t forget to practice napping. The closer you get to falling asleep on command, the easier this semester will be.

Aries – There are definitely some perks to being known as that guy with the maracas. No one is going to have a dull moment in class with you, if you have anything to shake about it.

Taurus – You don’t have to be a great bullshit artist – just a passable one, point in case, this article.

Gemini – There is something to be said for doing hard work yourself. Don’t trust the government to fix Kane. You should finish by the end of the term… roughly.

Cancer – It shouldn’t be your first course of action, but sometimes the fetal position is the best position for you.

Leo – There should always be time in your schedule to take a video of your superdog (Tasha) doing something awesome. Don’t overbook yourself this term.

Virgo – Don’t be afraid to talk to the maraca guy. He’s seen some shit for sure. Expand your social circles this term. (A maraca-kazoo collab would be dope, if you’ve got the kazoo skills.)

Libra – In the Zaltaq zodiac, this is the year of the sea cucumber. Channel the spirit of the sea cucumber by using one orifice for as many utilities as you can. The universe will reward you.

Scorpio – Helpful tip for this term: 18–point font on your punctuation really helps with essay length. It’s actually pretty subtle, we promise.

Sagittarius – It’s pretty cold out there, so why does layering up only apply to shirts? Three or four pairs of pants will keep your stems nice and toasty, and make your thighs look thick as hell.