Horror Scopes, May 20

Aquarius – Van Gogh cut off his ear to give to his girlfriend. It might seem crazy, but a truly useless gift shows that it’s the thought that counts. Give that special someone an appendage to let them know you care.

Pisces – I’m not saying you’re going to get SARS for sure, but it can’t hurt to have extra hand lotion, either way.

Aries – Your inner spirit animal this week would best be described as a Ted Cruz mermaid. It’s best to just leave everyone alone and spare them the pain of interacting with you.

Taurus – Fiber is an often neglected nutritional supplement. Your zodiac sign shows you’re full of shit – try chewing on some bark.

Gemini – Who cares about the other signs? It’s your birthday, right? Let everyone know this week is about you, by playing Yello’s “Oh Yeah” whenever you walk into a room.

Cancer – Your life in the coming weeks is going to get a little more complicated. When in doubt, just focus on this mantra: Don’t bro me, if you don’t know me.

Leo – The changing of the seasons means one thing for you, Leo: You need to shop in bulk. Grab your Costco membership card and start stockpiling like a Mormon family before Y2K. The ascension of Zaltaq is nigh!

Virgo – Your third eye has been sadly neglected as Orion enters its third phase. Give yourself some rejuvenation by rubbing it intensely when you make eye contact with people.

Libra – Taco Bell is a brand that believes in living mas. Live your life to the fullest this week Libra: Live mas.

Scorpio – Feel the cubicle. Lick the world. Remember: never staple with your left hand on the right corner.

Sagittarius – Is your life a hollow sham? Of course it is. I know, ’cause I can predict the future from giant balls of gas burning billions of miles away. Join the Advocate! Stop by Room 1369 or email [email protected].

Capricorn – Are you even going to bother doing anything according to your zodiac, anyway? I’m not gonna waste the ink.