Horror Scopes, May 6

Aquarius – Mercury is waning, about a third into its phase. Naturally, doing things in threes would be of immediate benefit, but reflecting this kindness onto others would accrue twice as much karma. Clip every third toenail, and discreetly distribute them to your friends.

Pisces – If you avoid thinking about that co-worker making some freaking weird noises for no apparent reason behind your back while you type, this week should turn out fine. GETOUTOFMYHEAD

Aries – Definitely don’t listen to your coworkers eat while you’re trying to work this week: This is according to the stars and stuff. Even if they breathe through their mouth, just keep typing and you will be fine. Jesus, how are you always finding peanut butter?

Taurus – Did you know centipedes never have 100 legs? They always have an odd number of body segments, so they can have 102, or 104, but not 100. If you think your mind is blown now, just wait for the rest of the week.

Gemini – Keep some Vaseline and fishing line handy this week. I don’t want to freak you out, so let’s just say it’s better to have it and not need it…

Cancer – This week is pretty hunky-dory for you, but what you need to think long and hard about in the coming months is your identity – are you more of a slug or a snail person? Choose carefully.

Leo – Don’t sell the farm just yet, Jethro, your newfangled city-thinking has got you all ajjertatud. Interpret that as you will. Hey, I don’t write these, I just interpret the stars, man. Don’t shoot the messenger.

Virgo – When was the last time you drop-kicked an office supply? It’s not like you have to… Bet it would feel liberating and/or bad-ass, though. “Oh shit, Terry – Phil’s finally snapped. Who had money down that it would be a silent, frenetic episode? Was it Bill? Whatever, I still collect insurance since he broke an office supply though. The payout was three-to-one he wouldn’t do it on a Friday, too.”

Libra – You don’t get one, ’cause Virgo was too long.

Scorpio – You, too. Sorry, it’s just in the stars this week. 

Sagittarius – You’re going to need to crunch some serious numbers soon. For maximum productivity, play Slayer loudly on your computer so co-workers avoid you, while listening to Bob Marley on headphones for the encouragement to go the distance.

Capricorn – I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: You need to eat corn in capri pants. How do you expect these to come true if you don’t put in any work? It’s not even like either of those things aren’t enjoyable. You kinda piss me off.