Horror Scopes, Nov. 20

Scorpio – Sure, Almond milk might be a poor imitation, but if you eat it with cereal you never know the difference. Don’t act surprised.

Sagittarius – We both know you’ve been planning on gambling away your midlife crisis. Let’s at least be original about it: Discover the intense competition that is real-cash monopoly.

Capricorn – Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be Spiderman? That’s got to be a weird feeling to have in your wrist, right? That’s how this week is going to feel.

Aquarius – Know when to throw in the towel; a new towel rack wouldn’t hurt either. Try and avoid Bath & Body Works, though, let’s be real, it’s much closer to hand soap and candles.

Pisces – Now would be the time to start working on your cabin in the woods. Pro tip: Hang chains from the ceiling, maybe break a window, too, and no one will mess with it while you’re gone.

Aries – The results from your vision quest were inconclusive. There is more than one way to skin a cat, but now you need multiple cats, so that’s kind of a bummer.

Taurus – Opposites attract, right? Maybe a surprise mosh pit is the breath of fresh air that your workplace so desperately needs.

Gemini – If the colder weather has you feeling blue, your natural course of action is to eliminate anything blue. Start with your wardrobe, then move on to the rest of your house.

Cancer – Not sure about the rest of your week, but I’m pretty sure you’re going to finish reading this prediction… I’m technically not wrong?

Leo – Believe me or not, I don’t care, but shaving your head this week would feel so gratifying. You might move on to an eyebrow without stopping, and with no regrets.

Virgo – Congratulations! You’re the 94th reader, click here to claim your prize. Or don’t. It is a pretty sweet prize, though.

Libra – A fishing trip always soothes the nerves – it doesn’t matter if the fish are in a bathtub and you’re in there with them, even if some people would call it an ”abomination.”