Horror Scopes, Oct. 16

Libra – Mars will be extra bright in coming days, meaning it’s best to stimulate your scalp to be more receptive. If you don’t get shivers of delight, you’re still doing it wrong.

Scorpio – I’m not pointing any fingers, but you could probably use some serious karma right now. Alphabetize everyone’s everything every chance you get.

Sagittarius – Mercury approaches, which puts Scorpios in a weird mood. I’m not saying you should buy mace specifically for this occasion, but it’s a good thing to have around nonetheless.

Capricorn – Since you’re probably going to be in the mood for bold statements this week, anyway: Monopoly can disprove absolute reality. You just need to play it, A LOT.

Aquarius – LGBTQ History Month doesn’t necessarily mean you should sport rainbows, but it’s definitely going to be the best color scheme for your outfits this week anyway, so, when in Rome, I guess?

Pisces – Did you know you can use moss as graffiti? Yup. There should be a hardware store near you. Google that stuff and get to it.

Aries – Now would be a great time to meet your fellow Aries in the area. Grab the most interesting thing near you and meet up at the courtyard in the Visual Arts gallery at 10:33 Monday morning for a white elephant gift exchange.

Taurus – Make sure to check your tire pressure as the air gets colder. And why not treat yourself while you’re at it, and get some new windshield wiper fluid? More people will notice than you think. Tell that Camry next door to step up its game.

Gemini – Fall fashion can be confusing. Leather is a pretty safe bet, right? Also, have you read Fight Club? Is there anything more metal than wearing the same clothes most of your life? Seems frugal to me.

Cancer – Strangely enough, grocery shopping is your biggest dilemma this week. Here’s a tip: Tortilla chips are much more versatile than convention would have you believe. Hummus, soup, crab dip, just to name a few.

Leo – Stick with me on this one because it sounds weird, but I think we’re on the same page: peanut butter, haikus, fly-fishing. No? Give it a second.

Virgo – You’re going to want an absolute rush at about 4 o’clock (I’m not sure if it’s a.m. or p.m.) this Wednesday. Try using a lot of body paint and starting a mosh pit. Your week should probably calm down after that.