Horror Scopes, Oct. 30

Scorpio – Mercury’s position indicates your habitual method of transit is outdated. Didn’t you see that bitching hoverboard thing a few months ago? Get with the times, you old fart.

Sagittarius – So do you actually believe these things, or do you just read them because you’re not clever enough to be self-deprecating on your own? Either way, I can’t say the outlook is good.

Capricorn – I’m pretty sure you would punch another person for a billion dollars, right? Don’t look so shocked – we’ve established that you’re for hire, now we’re just haggling over the price.

Aquarius – …So you’re actually this old and you’ve never been on a vision quest? I’m not going to say you’re not an actual adult, but plenty of cultures would. Now would be the week to discover your spirit animal.

Pisces – Uranus’ placement indicates you’re abnormally stressed. Friendly tip: head butts are a severely under-appreciated form of psychotherapy, and who doesn’t love surprises, right?

Aries – We’ll start with the bad news: This is not going to be a good-looking week for you. The good news is, if you stop showering, you could save some money on a costume.

Taurus – Yeah, you could get a costume, but Christmas is right around the corner anyway, and you’re going to have to hook up lights to your battery and twist them around your wipers and everything again. Is it really worth your time?

Gemini – This week is clearly your time to shine: Welcome to the fast and dangerous world of underground professional peanut racing, where competitors push a peanut on the ground with their nose in a race to be the last one pushing.

Cancer – Happiness is just a hop, skip, and a jump away. Well, I guess it depends on how you interpret “hop.” Whatever you do, definitely don’t jump, skip, and then hop.

Leo – Yeah, pretty hunky-dory week for you, it appears. You do a cartwheel; I guess that’s kind of noteworthy, like, when was the last time that happened?

Virgo – Now is the time for spontaneity – flip all the objects near you, violently, and see what shapes happen.

Libra – Your mantra this week would best be described as a falsetto scream. Remember to breathe through your nose and visualize while you do this.