Horror Scopes, Sept. 24

Virgo – Your eyebrow game needs work. Tape body hair to your forehead after bathing, but before bed, so your noggin can get on board with the program.

Libra – You need to emphasize duality this week- channel your inner Steve Buscemi and meditate while looking at two opposing mirrors at once.

Scorpio – Got no cash? Hungry? Top Ramen will show you love.

Sagittarius – Take control of your life and surroundings — go shoot some deer and drink some beer.

Capricorn – Do I need to freaking spell this out for you? Eat corn in capri pants. This is like, Astrology 101. Get it together.

Aquarius – You need some excitement; be like Zaltaq and join a band!

Pisces – Show that you can be young and fun! Take a nap in a Hot Topic to show today’s youth you’re still a laid-back dude.

Aries – Bruh, your souped-out Honda Civic with VTEC is guaranteed to make people think you are a genuine, affable person. Add a “Chip city” bumper sticker for maximum effect.

Taurus – Don’t drink coffee? Put some hair on your chest and start now. Uranus is entering its third phase, meaning: It’s best to go for broke. I.e., espresso enemas.

Gemini – Depart from convention now. You need to feel, not think. Tape different colored pens to your fingers and attack the paper, instead of taking notes. You’re going to want to thank me after finals.

Cancer – Fred Meyers has tomatoes and avocados on sale. Take some control of those sales.

Leo – You’ve lost touch with humanity —  big time. I’m not going to call it a crisis, but certain family members would. Snuggling with strangers on the bus would be your best course of action.