Preemptive do-overs: tackle conflicts before they happen

There is a favorite film of mine called “About Time.” In this film, a college-aged son learns a family secret from his father. The father and son have the ability to time-warp backwards. When the son first learns of this extraordinary power, he is skeptical. Then, at a party, he leans toward a pretty girl and attempts his first kiss. It doesn’t go well and the girl rejects him. Desperate to get the girl, he goes into a nearby closet (echoes of Superman here) and follows his father’s directions to activate the time warp. The scene replays exactly as before and this time the kiss is quite magical. Throughout the film, the main character has the opportunity for “do overs.” He makes mistakes and then corrects his missed opportunities, omissions, insensitivity. He is able to thwart a one-night fling, to save his child, to befriend a loner, all with more compassion the second time around.

I love the movie. I also love the concept. Who wouldn’t love a six-pack of “do over” coupons? Imagine going back and deleting some of our hard-to-forget offenses, distractions, and separations from others.

So, I have devised a plan. Why can’t we have do overs before, instead of after. We prevent the need for do overs because we are mindful and choose “before overs.”

Here’s an example of a “before over.”

At school, some of my students are immigrants from Nepal, Somalia, Ethiopia, Haiti. Most live in crowded apartments along Southeast Stark, or Division, or Powell. They work for minimum wage at parking garages and discount department stores. At our tutoring sessions, the students and I sit head-to-head at a table and pore over the latest essay. At times, it is excruciating and tedious work as I edit not only their content but their grammar. There are subject and verb agreement errors, sentence fluency issues and concept disconnects. Often they really have little idea of what the instructor asks of them in a Rogerian essay. When I see their developmental level and the essay’s criteria level, I want to sigh, rub my hands through my hair, roll my eyes, frown, and sigh again. With such a gulf between ability and expectation, where do I begin? How do I teach a year’s worth of lessons into a few sessions?

Now, get ready. This is where the “before over” is needed. I know this student has stayed up all night after working Black Friday; I know she had faithfully tried to follow all of my suggestions even though the paper is far from passing. Now is the perfect time to activate a before over. No sighs, frowns or eye rolls. Instead, I say, “Look at the progress you have made. Your support citations are strong. You have a paragraph here that is developed well. Let’s keep going. I have a little more time. Can you work longer with me?”

For most of us, our before overs are most meaningful for those closest to us. Our families are often the ones we love the most but who are the easiest to take for granted. Before overs will work for relatives who irk us, for spouses without enough time, for children we nag. A before over can be asking the irksome relative about his hobby or last trip (and really listening); remembering the anniversary of the day you met your spouse and asking for a photo together; sitting with your child to look through his baby book and telling him stories of his infancy and toddler days. The idea here is to aim for before overs before there might not be any more time. The relative dies; the spouse is alienated; and our child graduates and moves away.

Lest you think the “before overs” are unselfish acts, quite the opposite is true. Remember, in the film the guy gets the girls with his “do over.” With our “before overs” we show that others really matter, and this mindfulness will make all the difference in our own happy endings.

Patricia Matteri – is a Learning Specialist assisting writing students in the Learning Success-AVID program at MHCC.