Social media could have benefits to the college #totally

 

In the recent tumult and uproar surrounding the issue of fluoridating the water of the Portland metro area, one major reason Portlanders seem to be against the measure is that it would be government putting an additive in our water.

Why should the government be adding chemicals to my water, and my kids’ water, these misguided hippie granola-heads cry en masse? The government is going to give my kid some unheard of and rare fluoride disease and then they’ll have jacked-up teeth.

However, the point that seems to be missed by these detractors is that the government is trying to introduce increased health benefits to the populace in a passive manner, by adding it to our water supply, and thereby ensuring that the majority of people get to enjoy those benefits without really having to put in any effort.

I find this to be an admirable effort by the government, trying to enhance and enrich the lives of its citizens through the simple yet effective means of tap water.  Already, the majority of this glorious nation partakes of fluoride in their water, so why not us as well?

The benefits of stronger and better-looking teeth would far outweigh the risks of some poor schmuck getting a little gum irritation from the fluoride dose.  In fact, the stronger and better looking teeth would lead to the citizens of this nation being able to chew their food better as well as attract mates easier and thus further our nation through increased population and better digested food.

Why stop at fluoride, though? Why not continue to add to the water, make it even more beneficial to every citizen of this illustrious nation?

If a little bit of chemicals in our water will go a long way, then a lot of chemicals in our water will take us all the way to the top.

Let fluoride be the vanguard in a national movement to create chemical compounds that will enhance the skeletal structure, generate more muscle tone, increase the rate and breadth at which our bodies grow and develop and increase the sharpness of our eyesight and hearing ability.

We might as well add vitamins and minerals to increase the health of the citizens, and add caffeine and other energizing additives to increase the focus and productivity of the populace.

But if these additives and chemicals negatively affect some people, would-be detractors will bleat?

Then those weaklings don’t deserve the benefits of this super-water.

The United States has already done much of the legwork over the last two centuries to assimilate and integrate all the best traits from multiple races, which when married to the effects of widespread consumption of this super-water, would result in a populace so above and beyond the rest of the globe that America shall rise to previously unforeseen heights and lead a renaissance of human achievement and a rebirth of the greatness of the Roman Empire.

Thus, in the special election on May 21, all eligible Portland voters should vote to fluoridate their water and thus begin the process of turning Americans into the true master race.