The pain is real — getting help is tangible, too

When I first meet people, I want to be known as the bubbly girl who enjoys laughing, having fun, and treating others the way I wish to be treated. I never thought I’d publicize the way I’ve lived or what I’ve experienced, but this month is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

I’ve experienced domestic abuse firsthand, and I can honestly say: It’s impacted my life more than I care to admit – but the past is what makes me who I am in the present. As a child, I experienced more than anyone my age should have and it was somewhat terrifying. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle it. I never really understood what was happening in my household or how I should be “a kid.” Without “real” friends, alone, different, and never showing that there was something wrong, was how I existed throughout most of my life; actually, I moved around in my elementary school years and over time, I became unattached and learned to adapt.

Arguments and moving happened frequently for the first 12 years of my life. My father had an anger-management problem and it terrified me. I loved my mother and I always wanted to make sure she was safe. Things were difficult when it came to my father; he would downgrade my mother and would say disrespectful and awful things. I hated going through what I did, especially when I felt so helpless. Being a small child and feeling as if there’s no one that will help you is a scary feeling; even if you’re an adult, it’s never a position that you’d ever want to be in.

I can honestly say that I never truly felt caring towards my father, because in my gut, I knew he was a bad person and I knew he enjoyed manipulating people to think he was a much better person than he was. He gambled, drank at least four bottles of beer a day and smoked for the first five years of my life. The emotional, physical, and mental abuse was tough.

I did get out of being in an abusive household, along with my mother, once my last straw was drawn and I felt that it was time to tell my story. I was threatened with a gun (over a computer problem, might I add) and then pushed onto a stack of books. Unfortunately, this was a Friday and I had to suffer through an entire weekend I don’t seem to remember. All I recall is this: That night is when I told my mother that we’d get out of that house and I’d make sure we were safe and I’d tell my counselor what was going on that next Monday.

That school day was the day I remember the most and it changed my life, because I felt so determined to “save” me and my mother.

Through pain and suffering, I’ve understood that there will be a better tomorrow or at least a better future, so long as you continue to push yourself to what you know you can accomplish.

No matter who or what gender you are, I feel that it’s important to get out of any abusive situation. No matter how scared you feel, it’s what you do to help yourself that will make you a stronger person in the future. Don’t give up.