Trick-or-Treating: You’re too old for it

Young Danny had just come home from a successful night of trick-or-treating. Dressed as a Power Ranger and escorted by his father, he had plundered many homes of their sweet treasures.

Ah, the candy always tastes better after braving the cold air and chafing costumes. Danny liked to finish the night by watching Halloween specials, organizing his candy and handing out candy to those who would come seeking their own rewards.

What he did not expect was three grown men without costumes to come knocking. “Hey, man,” they said. “Choo Choo!” they said.

Danny was perplexed. Did these men want candy? Would they go away if he gave it to them? So, he handed them candy that they shoved in their pockets, and they left…

I hate to be that guy, but it’s really lame and inappropriate to trick-or-treat after a certain age.

Halloween is a special night for kids because it’s the one time of year when they can get a ton of free candy, and not get as much crap from their parents for gorging on it. The reason it’s not cool for us older folk to go trick-or-treating is because, unlike kids, we can go to the store and get our own candy. We can make it Halloween whenever we want, which is a privilege that overage trick-or-treaters don’t appreciate.

Whenever I hand out candy on Halloween, I swear that half the trick-or-treaters are in their late teens or early twenties. Some don’t even have a costume.

It’s very irritating handing treats out to older people because it’s a night for kids who would not be able to get that candy otherwise. You are basically taking something that would be better suited inside the bag of a kid, than the bag of a dopey man-child with nothing better to do.

And there are better things to do. We have more income and resources than kids, so we can have awesome Halloween parties with our friends with elaborate costumes, candy, games, movies and other substances. When I was a kid, I was so jealous of all the houses I stopped at with parties going on.

I understand some people like to hold on to their childhood. I watch an episode of “SpongeBob” and get a Happy Meal every now and then for nostalgia’s sake. But, there is a point where it gets ridiculous. It’s like when you see a group of teenagers in the playpen at McDonald’s, or racking up tickets at the local Chuck E. Cheese.

However, if you’re escorting some kids for Halloween, I think it’s fair game to get in on the action. You’re doing a nice thing and should be given a little reward.

If you are of a ripe college age and actually plan on going trick-or-treating, don’t. Seriously.

You need to grow up. Sorry if I’m spitting in the candy bucket here, but there are such better uses of your time. Give out candy, have a party, binge on horror movies, shove Skittles up your nose or anything else.

Old trick-or-treaters are like pimples on the face of All Hallow’s Eve that need to be popped.

That said, have an age-appropriate Happy Halloween!