Weakly Horoscopes*

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Cardiovascular exercise is one of the best things you can do for your body. Driving at suggested traffic speeds actually saves you gas, and time. The hour of ascension is at hand, hail Zaltac. Saving for retirement is exponentially easier the earlier you start.

Gemini – (May 21 – June 20 ) – Burying yourself in hot sand would be greatly beneficial, the sooner the better, but since you also definitely shouldn’t stray beyond a two-mile radius of your home, I think you’re going to have to settle for microwaved dirt.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – There is a brief window on Wednesday night where Venus and Neptune align to make you invisible for one hour. Plan accordingly.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22) – Look at that Virgo, with their smug, yet ignorant, face. You know they’re a Virgo just by that slightly too-slow gait and half-vacant stare. I’m pretty sure it’s a safe bet they’re the source of 95 percent of your problems this week.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – What the hell is with all the Leos this week? You don’t need this unwarranted aggression. Stand up for yourself! You need to speak your mind, and that means discouraging bad ideas wherever they come from, and if the majority of those ideas are from Leos, let them know.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) – There’s no wound time won’t heal, but just in case, you should pick up some latex gloves and lime (calcium oxide). You hung on to that shovel when you moved, right?

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) – What is the future? I mean, really? Live in the now: If dipping fish sticks in custard sounds right, who am I to get in your way? But also you’re an animal for even considering that; have some damn standards for yourself.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Saturn’s alignment will create an unbalance in your life. Lay in a forest facing north and rub moss on your left side to regain equilibrium. 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)- Under no circumstance should you bottle up your emotions this week. If that means swearing at an instructor, then go ahead – odds are they’re gonna thank you for it after you’re done.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Well, you’re reading a fake horoscope, so I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you don’t have too much happening for you the rest of this week.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) – The people in your next class will treat you a little too nicely at first. Then they become briefly intrigued, followed with looks of shock, and a lingering countenance of disgust they can’t quite disguise for the rest of the term.

Aires (March 21 – April 19) – Mercury moves into its second phase, which means you have to start next Monday morning by staring into a mirror after a cold shower. Play “Wind of Change” in the background for maximum effect.

*Just for fun and not to be taken seriously, seriously.