Weakly Horoscopes*

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)- Sing with me:
And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man on the moon. When you comin’ home, Dad I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then . You know we’ll have a good time then.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)- Tattoo a haiku on your forehead to achieve world peace. Any one will do.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)- You are a beautiful spirit. You truly care about what is on the inside, and you discover the universe inside your companions’ eyes, just like Bob Saget.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)- Unleaded fuel paid off. You’ve now reached nirvana intended for cars hovering during transit.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)- One morning in the near future you will wake up to joy incarnate. Prepare for the ascension; the hour of Zaltaq is
at hand!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)- You can’t make any wrong decisions, you are perfect. In fact, that’s how you got to where you are in life: making perfect decisions and always being a great person.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)- Mercury approaches its diurnal solstice, which makes jogging to a loop of babies’ giggling greatly beneficial to you. Sprinting would be extra credit.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)- Floating motionless in room-temperature water is the quickest way to reset your mind. That and auditing; check your Thetan level before it checks you.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)- The balance you seek was achieved long ago, blink twice after every sneeze to inprove coordination.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)- Repeat this mantra to yourself while meditating: “Here. Listen. Plywood.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)- Forget serendipity: You are a rainbow. Every time you open your mouth this week you will impart a profound knowledge on the key to happiness to whomever is in earshot. Now is the time to write a self-help book.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19 )- It may seem improbable, but don’t let those naysayers affect you, shoot for the stars. Remember- ankle bracelets are quite stylish, just ask George Clooney.

* Just for fun and not to be taken seriously, seriously.