Weekly Horoscope

Capricorn – Experiences received this month will rejuvenate your inner Beyoncé. The fierceness within you will awaken and you’ll be on your way into building your creative empire. You’re a flawless soul just don’t drop that alcohol.

Virgo – Mars and Venus align, causing incongruity in your life. Try shaking things up. Mmaybe read a better publication, or literally anything besides a mock horoscope, Seriously, how empty is your life?

Leo – You’re feeling asymmetrical, try turning your furniture 30 degrees in opposing directions. Sorry, it’s that or you chop off an ear to avoid stomach cancer. If neither of these sound preferable, you can always change your sign for a small monthly fee of $29.99. Checks should be made out to
The Advocate.

Sagittarius – Easily the most boring sign. You’re a passive, fly-on-the-wall type of person. Does your future really matter? Short answer: No.

Cancer – A close friend or family member’s soul is in extreme danger of eternal damnation; you need to bring them to Jesus now. They might protest, but you know it is what is best for them.

Libra – Sprinkle ground flax seed and mice blood on your car. It’s not going to help with your future directly, but I’m pretty sure your neighbors will think twice before messing with you.

Taurus – The Kelley Blue Book says you’re expected to hold your resale value, as customers like your Eco-boosted V6 engine (although focus groups suggested a V8) and AWD. Now would be the week to try switching to unleaded fuel.

Gemini – You are lost in a fight between two halves that don’t fit too well. Rather than keeping the peace between your friendships, it is important to take your feelings and throw them out the car window while going 70 mph. Embrace your sorrow and make your living room a movie theater– remember to care only about yourself and Magic Mike XXL.

Pisces – This month your life will probably stay the same, unless you decide to get in any car other than a white van with no windows owned by a creepy old man. What will happen if you do get in any other car? Glad you asked, you’ll get your body stolen by the ghost of Michael Jackson.

Aquarius – On your way home on April 6 you’ll be kidnapped by your friendly neighborhood homeless man and be taken to a backyard Woodstock where you will find out you were adopted and your true parents are traveling hippies. It gets better, but I won’t spoil it for you.

Scorpio – We don’t really know enough about your Zodiac sign to write you some wisdom, so have a nice day, or don’t. It’s not like we would know.

Aries – Although you may not realize it, dark times loom upon you and you subconsciously feel that putting all your energy into “happy thoughts” will make you less miserable. Brighten your future by consuming a  light bulb