Horrorscopes for the Halloween Fans

Scorpio

You think you’re tough, huh? The typical Scorpio is a habitual thrill-seeker, and with Halloween around the corner I’m sure you’re jonesing for a fix. Well, how’s this for scary? Existence is pain and your best-case scenario is that you grow old and watch your loved ones die while your body slowly rots with you still in it. Also, don’t blink.

Sagittarius

  

This week you will receive a visit from Casper the friendly ghost. Don’t be surprised if he assaults your cat in front of you. Hey, you’re the one reading a horoscope; who’s really being ridiculous here?

Capricorn

Any true CapriKorn will be in L.A. for Korn with Linkin Park and friends this Halloween. Hey, look, you can’t make social media posts hinting at self-diagnosed mental illness and your manic pixie dream girl persona using astrology as an excuse as if it makes it okay, and then not go see Korn. You can’t just pick and choose what you want out of your sign. It’s in the stars, for Christ’s sake.

Aquarius

If anyone needs a boost of Halloween spirit this week it’s CapriKorns. Aquari feel better from helping others. Help a CapriKorn today by shouting Korn lyrics at them. My personal favorite is the modern classic, “Twist”: “YOUNOTRRRGHINGNAAARGHOOOORRGHNAAAARNGHNAPRIIIINNGRROOOUUAAWGGRH Twist, Twist, Twist.” Trust me, they’re gonna thank you.

Pisces

What’s Halloween without a scary movie? This would be a good week to have a scary movie-marathon with your friends, and for the piece de résistance, the 2006 instant classic, American-Christian drama, “Facing the Giants.” For maximum scare points, wait till the climax: Right after the game-winning field goal, sneak up behind your friends and softly whisper, “Have you heard the good news?” They’re gonna shit a brick, I promise.

Aries

Oh, yeah – you know, you actually have like a super-cordial week. No issues here. Definitely not any scary clowns. Just like go to your day job, hang out with the fam, you know, just the hunky-dory norm, what could go wrong? Nothing! I don’t even know why I asked.

Taurus

You want to hear something scary? The average life span of a Taurus is only 180,000 miles. Existence is pain and your best-case scenario is that you grow old only to slowly break one piece at a time and have your owner care marginally less for you by the day. Also, BOO! You’re a car. SpooOOoky.

Gemini

This Halloween proves to be the scariest of your life when you dream you’re Melania Trump. You’re in bed with The Donald. You’re on the bottom again. At first you thought you could retreat to your happy place with practiced meditation like you normally do, but then you feel something falling onto your face. Sprinkling, even. Is it… sand? NO!!! It’s KFC crumbs falling out of his neck-gina! There is no god.

Cancer

That’s weird. The stars don’t have anything for you this week. It’s just blank. Good luck with that.

Leo

Your week takes a wild turn when you find out you’re actually an android. But I mean the iPhone X doesn’t even have a headphone jack now, so things could be worse I guess.

Virgo

It’s best to avoid shellfish this week – not because they could re-animate and crawl out of your stomach, Alien-style. It’s just like, why do they need so many tiny legs? Why not just have a few normal-sized legs?

Libra

If you think you’ve seen scary, imagine being caught in a limbo of bureaucracy and menial writing for a general populace who couldn’t care less. And even though it’s your comfort zone, you know it’s a lackluster existence that leaves you unfulfilled. At times you wonder if you’re just diving through a hoop meant to further separate the middle-class on a bell-curve based on who has the most money. But hey, it’s for a better job which will give me a better quality of life or at least create pressure to spend money on things I think will make me happy in the little time I do have away from a job I wouldn’t have if money weren’t a factor. Actually,  you’re already at a community college. I’m pretty sure you could empathize.