Horror Scopes, Apr. 15

Aquarius – Convention is synonymous with stagnation this week. If you want to get baked even a little, I suggest you buy a garden hose and a gas mask.

Pisces – Hey, cops are people too, man – what did your mother tell you about sharing? It’s time to spread the love/ganja this week. Who knows, you could be saving someone’s life: “Gee, Bill, I was about to brain that kid with my magnum for jaywalking, but I got a sudden craving for Doritos.” 

Aries – You need to get really high, and then even higher. Find a crane and some Trainwreck.

Taurus – The ascension of Zaltaq is only visible from within. Prepare yourself for a long meditation this weekend and you will reap the benefits the rest of the week. Indicas would be fitting.

Gemini – Look, I’m gonna give it to you straight: This week is gonna be rough. We’ve all picked weed out of the carpet in our car before – don’t beat yourself up.

Cancer – One of the few downsides to marijuana? increased risk of testicle cancer. One of the few perks of cocaine; decreased risk of testicle cancer. Just take DMT every week or so to to snap the coke addiction and you’ve got all your bases covered.

Leo – Look, if you’re going to eat at Taco Bell, at least be original. Pro-tip: Nacho cheese can be used as a solvent to combine menu items; the Taco Pizza and Crunch-Wrap Supreme are already flat, so you can wrap them around smaller tacos.

Virgo – Whoever said good things come in small packages has clearly never run a brick of hash across the border. Bootlegging might be unnecessary now, but you would still get just as much of a rush.

Libra – Art is good for the soul. If art to you means getting really high and rolling in paint screaming “I AM COLOR!” then who am I to tell you otherwise?

Scorpio – Marijuana is pretty sweet, but indecision comes with the territory. Lucky for you, there is Ginastica Natural – now you no longer have to choose between Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and yoga.

Sagittarius – Guerilla warfare is cruel but effective – you’re going to want a fantastic day in the near future. To do so, get a ghillie suit, and a water gun with a pipe attached. Surprise Grandma!

Capricorn – The only thing better than edibles is not making them yourself – I’m talking to you, parents, don’t underestimate the benefits of confi-smoking.