HOW TO DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM TOXIC FAMILY MEMBERS

From a young age, we are taught that family is everything and that no matter what, we should always love and care for ours. But should that infinite love and care extend to the family members that have repeatedly hurt us? 

As we come to the end of the holiday season, some of us may feel burdened with the guilt of not seeing that parent who has repeatedly neglected you, or the manipulative aunt, or the homophobic grandfather who you’ve been too scared to come out to. Some of us made the choice to distance ourselves from the people who cause us pain and we are now wondering if we made the wrong decision because after all, it is the season of forgiveness. 

Well, to those of you who chose your own happiness and well-being this year, I encourage you to stop feeling guilty and to keep setting boundaries for yourself. 

Over the past few years, one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned was the importance of setting boundaries with family members. I, and I’m sure many others, always thought that my family could do wrong. It takes a lot of strength to finally see that that is not true, and in my personal experience, there are a few steps you can take that will help you to realize when it’s time to take a step back and finally say enough is enough. 

The first step should always be sitting down with yourself and figuring out what it is that’s bothering you. Is it the way a family member repeatedly talked down on your life decisions? Maybe the way a family member is always looking to start drama with the rest of the family? 

Sometimes it can be hard to pinpoint what that person is doing that’s making you want to distance yourself, so it’s important to take time to really think about it. Once you have, you should try confronting the person in a way that is comfortable for you. I believe this is one of the hardest parts and it takes a lot of courage to finally feel comfortable in doing it. 

Once you confront the person responsible and tell them what they’re doing that’s hurting you, you have to play a bit of a waiting game. If they continue with the behavior, then this is when it’s time to start thinking about distancing yourself from them. Whether or not a person can respect clear boundaries that you’ve put in place for your own well-being is a very big teller of their character. Once you’ve made those boundaries clear, it’s up to them to understand them and anyone who cannot respect them, or doesn’t try to, does not deserve to play a role in your life. 

In the past year, I’ve been forced to take a step back and realize how I was being disrespected and manipulated by certain members of my family, and it took a long time for me to finally say enough is enough. This decision is not something that happened overnight and that will most likely be the case for anyone else in this position. However, I encourage you to stay strong and focus on what you can do to better your own mental or physical health, even if that means letting go of people you were told would always “be there” for you.