Open letter to Ammon Bundy: the one that got away

Dear Mr. Bundy,

The jurors of Oregon may have found you not guilty on charges of “conspiracy to impede federal officers by force, threat or intimidation,” but as far as I’m concerned, you’re definitely guilty of one thing: being a huge dick.

Let’s consider the evidence:

Two years ago, you got your government-protesting-toes wet in Bunkerville, Nevada, with your daddy, Cliven Bundy, who was at the time disputing the legality of the Bureau of Land Management (henceforth BLM) in issuing permits to use federal land. Put simply, your father decided he didn’t want to pay the feds to graze his cattle on federal land, so he stopped. When they reiterated that he did have to pay, he grabbed his rifle, called his friends, and organized a protest in the name of “state sovereignty,” in which you were in attendance.

Really, dude? Brandishing rifles at the feds ’cause your dad owes $1.2 mil in ranch fees? That’s like threatening to blow up the library when they call about your late fees. Dick move.

Then, in late 2015, you reached out to Dwight Lincoln Hammond, Jr., a man who was serving a sentence for arson (lighting fires on federal lands) in the name of protecting innocent, hardworking Americans everywhere from the Unconstitutional, Money-Grubbing Federal Government. You offered to help him organize a protest, an offer which he politely declined. While I have no doubt that your offers were heartfelt, earnest, and completely altruistic, Mr. Hammond was of the opinion that “neither Ammon Bundy nor anyone within his group/organization speak for the Hammond family.”

SO YOU SET UP THE PROTEST ANYWAY. DICK. MOVE.

What did this protest look like? Was it, perhaps, a couple picket signs? Some pithy slogans about government interference? A manifesto arguing your points dispassionately, written to the editor of the local paper?

Nope, you occupied a wildlife refuge with rifles and about 150 of your Bud-Light-swilling, jock-itch-riddled, fratboy friends to take a stand and defend Eastern Oregon!

You know what? I get it, Mr. Bundy. Washington, D.C. is far away. How do those namby-pamby “senators” know what it’s like in your backyard? You work hard for the money you earn, this land’s been in your family for decades, so really it’s none of their business!

OH WAIT YOU LIVE IN IDAHO.

DICK.

MOVE.

Let’s be frank for a moment, can we? You don’t care about Oregon. Really, you don’t. According to Oregon Public Broadcasting (OPB), in a public meeting held a couple days after you first occupied the Malheur Wildlife Refuge, everyone at the meeting raised their hands when asked if they wanted you and your cronies to leave. The Hammonds, the folks you initially leapt to defend, didn’t want your help. Rather, this whole dog and pony show was an excuse to promote your ignorant, pseudo-libertarian, conspiracy-spewing, NRA-backing worldview that demonizes the federal government to radicalize people living in rural areas, preparing them for some sort of military-style apocalypse instigated by a brown guy whose name rhymes with Shmo-Shmama that I bet you just can’t wait for.

Watching you set this whole thing up was like watching Mike Huckabee lead Kim Davis out of jail: a political, calculated gesture disguised by a veneer of standing up for what you believe in, designed to garner attention, discussion, and most of all, donations.