Pro/Con: Getting Married early

 

 

Get married when you are ready

I think it’s better to marry young. I am 20 and not yet married, but my points hold validity based on the wisdom and advice from friends either married or engaged in their early twenties with whom I’ve talked.

Some of the first people to throw stones or laugh at the idea of marrying young might not have experienced a serious relationship, or they may be bitter after divorce.

There are many benefits to marrying when you’re 20, 22, or even 25. You and your mate get to grow up together as adults, and “figure it out” together. And when times do get tough, you have someone to go through them with, and it will only make your relationship stronger. (There will be tough times.)

Other positives include tax and income benefits, less chance of your children developing birth defects, and shared living costs. Some colleges have family housing where you get to share your life with someone else and experience their life on a level unmatched with any other relationship you know of. And if you’ve decided to wait: sex.

If you are considering marrying young, it’s important to approach it wisely. Marriage isn’t about you — it’s about the person you’re marrying. It is an act of selflessness. If we wander around seeking to please ourselves in a marriage, I think we would ultimately end up unfulfilled. But, if we aim to fulfill the desires of our significant other, rather than worry if our needs are or aren’t being met, we would end up content, because our goal was to meet each other’s needs.

Andrew Serino, 23, engaged to a current MHCC student, was willing to share some of his own experience with me. “We’re both learning to resolve conflict with each other, to be completely open and honest, and to seek counsel of older and wiser mentors with successful marriages… If you know how to have a healthy fight, you will stay together forever,” he told me.

There are three levels of morality I believe affect how we handle conflict in any relationship. One: harmony and fair play between people. Two: harmonizing and “tidying up” within each individual. And three: our purpose, what we were made for as a whole, and “what course the whole fleet ought to be on” (C.S. Lewis, “Mere Christianity”). I’ve noticed that our culture tends to gravitate towards the first one, and forget the other two. If we worked out conflict using this system of thought as a whole, we would make light of more important matters, and would spend less time with frivolous conflict.

Darby Cisneros, 22, married and an MHCC student, shared her journey to monogamy with her husband: “Most couples take their relationship to the next level by moving in together. I guess you can say we are ‘old school,’ ” she said. “For us, living together (among other things) is something you do when you’re married. We had been together for almost four years before we got engaged. By that time, we knew we wanted to be together forever, and we were ready to start our lives together.”

I personally think age ends up being subjective in deciding when someone else should get married. “I’m old fashioned and want to be the main provider in our relationship,” Serino said. “But I’m not saying that you can’t get married without a good job. Just prepare to hear the words ‘I’m pregnant’ someday.”

The most important thing is that you and your future spouse are practicing selflessness before you’re married, and that your core values and beliefs align.

“Just think about your wedding vows. Will you be there for each other for better or worse?” said Cisneros. “For richer or poorer? In sickness and in health?

– Jared Lichtenberg 

 

 

Getting married too young is not very smart

From a logical and personal perspective, this 20-year-old can’t imagine getting married at, or near, such a young age.

Marriage at this stage puts a screeching halt, or slows down, an individual’s goals and dreams.

I cannot see getting married now, because I still have so much life to live and experiences to gain on my own. Finishing college would be less likely. Traveling and experimenting with different career opportunities and having the time to mature as an individual would be more difficult.

Well, it might be possible to do those things in a marriage, but not with as much freedom or flexibility.

Some people feel that maturity level, and not age, should determine if someone is ready for marriage, and that some individuals are simply more mature than others. The human brain does not fully mature until about age 25, researchers have found. Regardless of how “mature” you think you are now, you undoubtedly will be wiser at 25 and beyond.

Also, the person you fall in love with may be completely different after more time has passed. I was a totally different person five years ago. My taste in music, food and movies are totally different, and that could all change another five years from now.

Another reason not to get married so early is that you will almost certainly be strapped for cash. If you’re my age, there is a good chance you don’t have an awesome job. And if you do, you have to share your secret!

When I get married, I want have a great- or a decent-paying job that can sustain a partner and potentially, a family. I don’t want to end up as the kind of couple who sympathize with Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer”: Surviving in a one-room apartment where my thoughts are dominated by the perils of making ends meet. I want to enjoy my marriage without putting unnecessary strain on it.

Finishing your education should be a no-brainer. It will give you the groundwork for any potential job opportunities in the future. And, in case of divorce (which I hope doesn’t happen), you will still have the educational tools to make it on your own.

The University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School associated success in marriage with age and education. Their studies showed that 81 percent of college graduates who got married in the 1980s at the age of 26 or older were still married 20 years later. Only 65 percent of college grads who tied the knot before their 26th birthday achieved the same longevity. And just 49 percent of those who married younger than 26, without a college degree, lasted 20 years.

I understand the ’80s were a while ago, but you have to step back a bit to find long-lasting marriages.

I don’t think people getting married at a young ages is an epidemic. In fact, the average age of marriages in America is at all-time high, with women marrying at age 27, and men at 29.

Obviously, there are people who get married young, and it works out fine for them. It might work out fine for you. Marriage can be a crapshoot, and age certainly shouldn’t be the end-all determination of success.

However, I still don’t see why young people (such as me) have to do it so soon. You are still a couple; just be a couple until you are at least twenty-five, and if the spark hasn’t died, go for it.

But hey, if you feel ready, who’s to stop you?