Weakly Horoscopes

Sagittarius – I was totally gonna write this, like, I really meant to this time, man But, just full disclosure right now I’m pretty high.

 

Gemini – The best thing you could possibly do is watch The Big Lebowski ASAP.

 

Taurus – Neptune’s alignment indicates it’s time to change your car freshener. Maybe consider getting a baby on board bumper sticker to indicate why you’re going so slowly.

 

Virgo – You don’t need that Taco Bell. You are welcome.

 

Leo – I feel like you would appreciate this right now:

In a Station of the Metro

Ezra Pound, 1885 – 1972

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;

Petals on a wet, black bough.

 

Cancer – There are certain people who didn’t want you to know this information, but you need to know; after you smoke four bowls your midi-chlorians level becomes high enough for you to use the force.

 

Aquarius – I know you think you need visine, but sticking your head in the water fountain is just going to draw more attention. No, your eyes aren’t going to dry out so much they stick to the inside of your head and cause you to go blind. Well, who am I to say that? It’s technically possible.

 

Scorpio – You may not have known this about yourself, but you could really use a dab right now, or  not. If you believe hard enough, you could get yourself high through willpower alone.

 

Libra- I’m not saying you live in the matrix. But let’s be real, you’ve always known you were special somehow. I would recommend starting slow, and working your way up to dodging bullets, but make sure they’re rubber bullets, or air soft BBs, or paintballs.

 

Capricorn – You’ll meet a unicorn tonight, and you will realize that your spirit animal is an earthworm. It’s time to start loving this earth like it loves you, just don’t smoke any weed this week, it will transform you into a Digimon.

 

Aries – The universe is now in your best friends’ ears. Sing it for them, and sing it loud!

 

Pisces – Best to keep calm and take it easy this week. Avoid all contact with Aquarius because they have much going on and your vibrations just aren’t compatible.