Horror Scopes

Gemini– Brutal Hibiscus bash through the membrane. Slurp through the poppy field and tongue my nostril, hard. If you’re uncomfortable now, wait for the rest of the week, Gemini. Tongue faster!

Cancer– If last week was a shot to the moral nads, then this week is a swift knee in the ass when you bend over to gasp for air. But look on the bright side: It’s supposed to be 99 degrees on Sunday.

Leo– Just keep breathing, and you will be fine. Except Tuesday around 5:12 pm. You’re definitely going to want to hold your breath and vacate the room quickly then.

Virgo– You’re adrift in a sea of bureaucracy and “higher” education. Give some semblance of purpose to your life and join the Advocate! Stop by Room 1369, whenever.

Libra– Believe it or not, the stars are saying I should write another shameless plug for the Advocate. We have coffee, and a fridge, and a printer, and a couch. It’s pretty sweet.

Scorpio– You know that feeling when you discover the stoner metal album you’ve been jamming to all week turns out to be a Christian rock group? Your week could turn out better, I guess. Just hope your friends don’t find out.

Sagittarius– I have a friend who has a cat that’s missing an eye, and when it wants attention, it will head-butt you, leading with its empty eye socket. You’re that cat this week. Your friends understand you need affection like everyone else, but damn if you’re not ugly.

Capricorn– Well, it took you long enough, but eating all that corn in Capri pants has finally payed off, and you have reached nirvana for Capricorns. Enjoy your transcendent existence as the cosmic cob.

Aquarius– Have you been getting your daily recommended volume of zinc lately? I don’t really care; it’s just who does care about zinc, you know? Poor zinc. Such an underestimated dietary supplement.

Pisces– As long as you don’t do any excessive thinking this week you should be fine. Just remember to look at your iPhone while you defecate to avoid any unnecessary thoughts.

Aries– They say if you smile for fifteen seconds you’re happier in general, but it only takes eight seconds, max, to choke someone out if you’re any good. Food for thought.

Taurus– I would keep a wide berth from the Aires in your life this week. Try not to smile too much; it will just piss them off more.